


Respect Is A Funny Thing

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24921550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: Kaidan, after a brief blow up with Joker, has a talk with Shepard
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	Respect Is A Funny Thing

**Author's Note:**

> So... I have some Issues™ with both Joker's reaction to Kaidan (and Ashley)'s handling of things during the Cerberus Coup AND Shepard's (non) reaction to dying and resurrection. This combined the both of them. Though it still feels like it only scratches the surface, so, hey, maybe there'll be a follow-up at some point.

Kaidan Alenko was probably one of the most level-headed and open-minded people that Shepard had ever served with. Maybe even met.

So, watching him storm into the Starboard Observation Lounge of the Normandy was not something that Shepard had been particularly prepared to see. Granted, it was “storming” by Kaidan Alenko standards, which, given Shepard’s familiarity with the man meant that he could clearly see the dark storm cloud over his lover’s head, but others would probably only take as intensity or something of the sort. 

“Kaidan? Is something wrong?” Shepard asked, pulling himself out of the reading chair and setting his book aside. 

“I’m fine.” 

Yeah, that was a blatant lie. Kaidan was NEVER that clipped, with anyone. It was one of his most endearing traits, his ability to keep his head clear. But something had gotten under his skin, and Shepard would have been a poor commanding officer and a poor boyfriend by ignoring it.

He gently approached Kaidan, debating briefly trying to offer him a comforting gesture. “Want to try that again?” he asked, opting to not push too much, but... Well... Kaidan was visibly upset. That was a whole new situation in Shepard’s mind. 

For a moment, Kaidan held the tension, not answering. Shepard almost was afraid that he’d pushed too far somehow, with just a few words. Then Kaidan sighed. “I had a run in with Joker.”

Ah. That was honestly a rather telling revelation. Shepard had noticed that there was a great deal of coolness between the two of them since Kaidan had rejoined the Normandy’s crew. It had never been an issue in terms of doing their jobs, so Shepard had never made any reference to it to either of them. Though, hearing Kaidan’s remark, Shepard remembered the way that Joker had reacted when Kaidan had come aboard, after the Cerberus coup. The way that Joker had been rather harsh about Kaidan holding a gun against Shepard. At the time, Shepard had just scowled and ignored it, considering it just Joker’s typical tendency to be a bit of an ass. 

But... With this, it was starting to sound like a pattern of behavior.

“Is there a problem I need to step in and do something about?” Shepard asked. He wasn’t just speaking as a concerned boyfriend, either – as the Normandy’s commanding officer, he had a responsibility to ensure that his crew was getting along well enough. 

It looked for a moment that Kaidan was mighty tempted about it. That he would accept Shepard stepping in and doing something about this. But then he just shook his head. “No. If it’s made a big deal, Joker’s just gonna dig in his heels. He’s an ass that way.”

Reluctantly, Shepard nodded, willing to take Kaidan’s stance on the subject. “All right.” Shepard waited a moment, wanting to see some of the tension ease out of Kaidan’s posture. “So... what was the blow up about?”

Kaidan sighed. “It wasn’t anything I really thought of as being significant. He was talking about EDI, a handful of comments later, I asked him to stop, considering that her body DID try to kill me not that long ago and that it was making me a little uncomfortable, and he seemed to laugh it off. Things seemed to just... snowball from there.”

Now Shepard really found himself dealing with an abrupt flash of anger – Joker could be an ass, but intentionally hitting anyone’s traumatic triggers was a dick move, even by his standards. Both the concerned boyfriend and the commanding officer found that a line that shouldn’t be crossed. “Kaidan, that actually IS something I should step in on. That isn’t just ‘an argument’ between shipmates. That’s-”

But, with a gesture, Kaidan cut Shepard off. “I know. But what good is lecturing him really going to do? Not just on a discipline level, but what, exactly, are you going to do, sideline the best pilot in the Alliance fleet during the middle of an existential war? It’s aggravating, but it’s something that I can live with in the name of just... keeping the peace.”

“Is it keeping the peace, or is it just letting Joker effectively walk all over you?” Shepard had suddenly hit an untapped well of anger that was directing itself at Joker, and...

Oh. Well. That explained a lot.

Before Kaidan could offer an answer, Shepard let out a breath, like the wind had been knocked out of him. “This is because of what happened on the old Normandy, isn’t it? When... when I died because I went to rescue Joker.”

That took Kaidan aback a moment as he considered where things had gone wrong between him and Joker. There had been a blowup between them after they’d been rescued, with Kaidan, in what hadn’t been his best moment, had accused Joker of letting Shepard die. The argument had gotten broken up by Doctor Chakwas and Engineer Adams, Adams having offered Kaidan a drink as Chakwas had guided Joker to the medbay to check him for injuries from the escape pod. Kaidan had apologized later, and Joker had told him to ‘forget it,’ but... Maybe he hadn’t. 

“I don’t know if that was all it was, but... It probably is part of what started this, come to think of it,” Kaidan said, still rolling it over in his mind.

The both of them were silent as they took all that in. It was weighty, to acknowledge the reality of Shepard’s death. That Shepard had died. Shepard had done much he could to avoid that realization, to stay far, far away from the recognition that he had died. No one could blame him for that, either, considering the kind of trauma that was. And Kaidan was still struck by the reality of that fact, that Shepard hadn’t just been in some kind of coma, but had been dead. That Cerberus had defied all the laws of man and nature, and had actually managed to bring him back, in body and mind. It should have been impossible, and they’d managed it all the same. 

And as much Shepard avoided it, there was trauma there. Trauma from his death. Which had happened because he’d gone to get Joker, because Joker had been determined to save the Normandy, even after she’d been carved up by the Collectors like a roast. 

“I don’t... I did blame Joker for it. It’s natural, you know? I was angry, and hurting... I think I’d been in love with you, even then,” Kaidan said. He and Shepard probably should have come together, romantically, back during the hunt for Saren. That they hadn’t was one of Kaidan’s greatest regrets. “Still, if he’s holding a grudge...”

“Would he be Joker if he didn’t?” Shepard asked with a bitter chuckle. It actually hurt Kaidan to realize how little humor was in Shepard’s voice at the comment – Joker may be an ass at times, but he was part of the crew, a friend. 

A friend who, at least in part, had partially been responsible for a traumatic event for Shepard, the kind of thing that, under normal circumstances, he never would have to process. But, because of how this had all played out, now Shepard had to deal with it.

“You know, when you came back on board the Normandy, he was an ass about how you’d held a gun on me.” Shepard looked like he was trying to hold back anger, trying not to give in to any urge to be unreasonably angry about Joker’s behavior, to just let it go, even though he wanted to have some kind of stronger reaction. 

Kaidan sighed. That had been a tense encounter, but he’d trusted Shepard. He’d been able to see past his concerns about Cerberus, see to the man he’d followed to hell and back. The scary thing about it all, however, was how easily Kaidan could picture things going differently – if Shepard hadn’t made the effort to soothe his mind and work through the issues Horizon and Mars had kicked up, if Kaidan had been too stubborn to accept the apologies and explanations... He could easily have ended up in a body bag beside Udina. 

Shepard turned to look Kaidan in the eye, his anger at Joker being set aside as he focused wholly on Kaidan for a moment. “Joker was wrong. You were doing everything right. What you were supposed to do. Not just on the Citadel, with the Council, but on Horizon, too. In your place, I’d have questioned my intentions too. The important thing is how it played out, not how it could have gone.”

“Thanks for that, Shepard.” Kaidan still sometimes replayed that moment in his mind, knowing how close he’d come to death – sure, the vivid memories of near-death experiences generally revolved around the bomb on Virmire or the bot’s assault on Mars, but he’d been in a position where the man he loved could have pulled the trigger on him, and that alone was something that disturbed him. 

He looked back to Shepard, trying to understand what he must be going through with the realization about things with Joker. Given the Omega-4 Relay mission, he had relied upon the abrasive pilot, had even had his life saved by Joker’s actions and decisions. It made it difficult at best to believe that Joker deserved the inevitable anger and lashing out that a part of Shepard wanted to do. 

Because that had to be there. Joker had, for all the good that had come, been responsible for Shepard’s death. That was never going to stop sounding strange, considering Shepard sat right next to Kaidan. 

“So, given all of this... What do you think we should do?”

The obvious answer, talking about it all with Joker, seemed unlikely – Joker didn’t exactly do heart to hearts. If anything, he’d probably end up seeing Shepard and Kaidan approaching him over his behavior and attitude as them ganging up on him and refuse to acknowledge his behavior, being too defensive to give them the listening they deserved on this. But the obvious alternative, not saying anything, would just leave everything to fester, and that was not going to work either.

“I suppose we could draft EDI to help in the name of showing her another side of humanity,” Shepard offered with a dry chuckle.

Shooting Shepard a skeptical look, Kaidan clearly did not seem impressed with the idea. “And that side of humanity would be...?”

“The side that can pilot a ship with both feet in his mouth.” Shepard could imagine that in explaining the behavior to EDI, Joker could easily work himself to recognizing that he was the asshole here. Of course, subsequently getting an apology from Joker would be a challenge all its own, even if he’d recognize that he was in the wrong. 

Still, Kaidan shook his head. “Somehow, I doubt that’ll solve everything. If anything, he’d probably be pissed about hurting his pride in front of her.”

Kaidan didn’t know what response he’d wanted from the comment, but he didn’t expect the one he got. Shepard’s expression got cold. “His pride isn’t my concern here. I care about you having the respect you deserve.” He shook his head. “Joker is completely out of line on this. On blaming you for any of that.”

“Let’s not go overboard, Shepard. It’s not as if I’m blameless here. I did accuse him of letting you die.” Even with the apology, it had happened. Joker was known to nurse a grudge.

“You were hurting and lashed out at the obvious target. You apologized. If he’s still holding that against you, then that’s a problem. One that, as his commanding officer, I should be stepping in and doing something about, whether or not you are my partner.”

He wasn’t wrong. But it did sound like Shepard was taking this hard. And, Kaidan supposed, it wasn’t that unreasonable, considering the trauma that must be hanging around Shepard’s mind on the subject. To have that rattling around was not a thing that Kaidan envied anyone. 

“I don’t know what to say should be your response here, Shepard. I can take Joker being an ass. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with that kind of behavior before.” And Kaidan had far more restraint than he had years ago, when Vyrnus had actually threatened someone. Comparatively, Joker was blowing smoke.

But Shepard shook his head. “Still shouldn’t be happening. You deserve better than that.”

“I have better than that. Nothing Joker could say could take you away from me, after all.” Kaidan offered Shepard his best attempt at a smile, given everything. “He can be an ass, it’s not important. I’m not hurt by it. I’ve dealt with my issues enough that I can handle Joker.” Then he got serious, reaching out and tilting Shepard’s face up to look him in the eye. “I’m just worried about you. You... Shepard, I can’t imagine the trauma that you went through, with... with what happened.” Kaidan couldn’t quite get the words to describe it out. “And now that you’re actually thinking about it... You know you can talk to me about it, right?”

“If I could find words...” Shepard muttered. How did anyone discuss the reality of having died? “I... I don’t remember anything. That’s the part that makes it hardest to really... get. I remember... gasping for air... knowing that I was going to die...” Shepard could feel his breath getting ragged, his heart racing as he started feeling himself flashing back.

Then Kaidan’s hand held his. It helped to ground Shepard back to reality. He was, despite that memory, still alive. It was a memory, not the present. His memories weren’t going away, but he knew that he was here, safe, with Kaidan. 

It pulled him back to himself. “I just... remember those moments of losing consciousness, the air of my suit leaking... And then I’m waking up on the table, the station on fire.” 

Shepard tried to just... hold on to the feeling of Kaidan holding close to him, keeping him steady. The fact that he’d been brought back to that moment... He took comfort in his lover’s touch.

Sensing that it was probably best to set that topic aside for the moment, that Shepard could only think about it so much right now, Kaidan cleared his throat, knowing there really wasn’t a transition that wasn’t awkward. So he’d just bite the bullet. “So... Joker. What do you think we’re gonna have to do there?” Kaidan asked. It was an issue, much as the fact that they were dealing with bigger issues of what to do with Shepard’s trauma – to say nothing of the ongoing war, forcing the trauma to be shoved back down as much as it was possible, because Shepard needed to be the tip of the spear.

It was a valid question. They were going to have to do something, just in the name of making sure that everything on the ship, among the crew, ran smoothly. Joker might not share a duty post with Kaidan like he had back on the SR-1, but there still needed to be something done about this. 

“Is it wrong that I want to suggest that you threaten him next time he says something about it?” Shepard asked. Kaidan could tell it was only partly a joke, though he couldn’t exactly blame Shepard for it. 

“Look, I know that trying to trip someone’s trauma triggers is unusually dickish of him, but... Maybe he just doesn’t realize it.” Kaidan could believe that Joker just hadn’t realized the reality of how badly a near-death experience had impacted him. It generally took a little more consideration for other people than Joker tended to express. 

“Of course, he might just not care because he’s attracted to EDI, so he wants to just focus on her having a body. He can be a bit of an insensitive ass that way.” 

Shepard did have a point. Joker could easily care more about his own feelings than others’, which was a bit of his charm. But it was also a reason that he was not exactly a people person. 

“I could always talk to EDI, give her the chance to learn about human trauma firsthand.”

“I think we’re starting to take this conversation in circles. This is sounding familiar.” Shepard sighed. “I don’t care for Joker’s attitude towards you. But if you’re willing to just let it slide... I’m not happy about it, I’d rather do something about it, but... I’ll let it be for your sake, if you’re sure.”

“Truth to tell, I’m sure of very little these days, Shepard.” The fact was, the war was taking its toll on everyone. Kaidan doubted there really was anything to be sure of at this point, other than the fact that the Reapers were a threat that had to be stopped. It didn’t make anything easier. 

Both of them slumped. It was like they’d gotten nowhere. There was a lot of issues happening beyond whether or not Joker was treating Kaidan or Shepard’s own lingering trauma. The situation ran a lot deeper. They had to put these things aside, just to keep their heads above water under the current circumstances.

“Whether or not Joker ever bothers to apologize or even care... You have my respect,” Shepard said. 

Kaidan smiled. “Then who needs his, right?”


End file.
